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Codependency is Not Your Identity, It's a Survival Strategy

• Tabitha MacDonald • Episode 44

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Have you ever felt responsible for someone else's happiness? In our latest podcast episode, we share a deeply personal journey through the labyrinth of codependency, starting with my marriage to an alcoholic. This pivotal experience opened my eyes to the unconscious behavior strategies that stem from childhood chaos and instability. Join us as we uncover how these patterns can significantly impact our emotional, energetic, and physical health, leading to issues like autoimmune disorders and chronic pain. We also explore the crucial role of awareness and mental health, and how professionals like massage therapists can help identify and address these deeply ingrained behaviors.

Whether you're struggling with codependency yourself or want to support a loved one, this episode offers invaluable insights and strategies for breaking the cycle and living a fulfilling, balanced life.

Are you ready to feel supported on your healing journey?  The Soma Flow Library of Healing is now available.  With a powerful meditations, hypnosis sessions and Superconscious Recodes to restructure your unconscious patterns, this is a must have tool to your journey back to you.  

About Tabitha
Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Healer committed to helping people overcome their pain as fast as possible so that they can have the love, success, freedom and fulfillment they truly desire.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome. My name is Tabitha McDonald. I'm an intuitive coach and a healer. I want to talk to you today about something that is really important to me, and that is the topic of codependency. But before I begin I want to share a little story with you.

Speaker 1:

I was married to an alcoholic, for I think we were married for about seven years and I didn't know I was codependent. I didn't even know what that meant, because how I perceived the world was through the lens of codependency. What that meant to me was if I could get him sober, I can finally feel safe. And I know I've talked about this before and I'll talk about it again because I think it's really, really important, because the pattern of codependency, the behaviors associated with it, were mine and nobody else's. And if I could give the gift of freedom to everybody on the planet, it would be to be free of any of your unconscious patterns and behaviors that you're unaware of. I think awareness is a very powerful model, and a lot of us, because we have our glasses on our perception of the world. We don't really know that other people might not see the world that way, and I remember going to Al-Anon like my very first Al-Anon meeting. Oh, this is great.

Speaker 1:

Kira was just born, my daughter and I knew I was in trouble because my ex-husband started drinking again and he was lying. I was in trouble because my ex-husband started drinking again and he was lying, and I could feel this sense of like panic and fear and just like misery. I felt powerless. I was like this was my one chance to have a family and I chose to have it with you. And now you're ruining it for me and you're ruining it for my daughter. And now I'm going to relive my childhood of growing up with an active alcoholic in the home. And that was my worst nightmare Like, I mean not my worst, but at that time it was the worst one I knew about. And I remember he would come home smelling like alcohol and I would fight with him and he would say I didn't drink, it was no duels or something like that. And I knew he was lying and my gut was telling me he was lying, but I wanted to believe him, but also I didn't trust myself back then.

Speaker 1:

So why is this important right now? I think the reason I really wanted to bring it up and talk about it today is because I've had a lot of people talking to me about the election. Now I choose not to watch the news, not because I don't care what's going on in the world, but because I value my mental health way more than I care about being up to date on all of the stuff that's going on, and I get plenty of information from the people that come in where I don't really need to sit and watch the news. Now, our news, especially right now, is designed to keep us in a state of fear, and when we're in a state of fear, we're easier to control because we're being more reactive and we're not really aligning with our higher self.

Speaker 1:

Why does this have to do with codependency? Because if you have any codependent strategies and that's what I'm going to call them, because I don't believe in labeling people codependent or narcissistic well, unless they're actually diagnosed, I call these like behavior strategies. They're strategies that we developed when we were young in order to cope with chaotic situations. It's much more than a relationship issue. Codependency goes far beyond our romantic entanglements. It's a deeply ingrained series of behaviors, beliefs and emotional strategies that were developed during childhood to deal with chaos and instability. These patterns are so embedded in our psyche that we may not even realize they're shaping our reality. Beneath the surface. The codependent mindset carries hidden beliefs about the world, relationships and our role in them. These unconscious dynamics drain us emotionally, energetically and spiritually, keeping us stuck in unhealthy cycles that affect our self-worth, relationships, our health and success.

Speaker 1:

In fact, the health piece is what really started driving me towards integrating the mind and mental and energetic healing into my practice, because I would see these patterns of people coming in with chronic pain that was really difficult for them to solve. And as I started talking to them more and more, I noticed very codependent language patterns and how they would describe their lives. And I can pick up on someone who's, you know, in the throes of being emotionally abused or who has a pattern of trauma in their history, only because of my own patterns right, like if we can see in others what we can, what we others, what we have in ourselves as well, and so I'm really good at like picking that up from people when they come in. And I noticed that people who had unresolved trauma or were raised in chaotic environments where they weren't really parented or, you know, they had emotionally immature parents parented or they had emotionally immature parents they ended up creating a series of strategies which often culminated in really significant physical symptoms like Hashimoto's or other autoimmune disorders, anything like fibromyalgia, chronic pain, migraines, tension, headaches. I'll talk more about that in a minute, but I kept seeing this pattern over and over and over again and I thought, wow, I really need to learn how to treat this, because I might be the only person they see, I might be the only person who notices this. For them, this, as a massage therapist, might be the only place they come to for help, and that's really why I started expanding my knowledge and education and certifications, because I feel like wherever people are coming in for help is the first point of entry, and the more education and support that we have for anyone who's coming in with a wounding, the better equipped we are then, the more good we can do, especially as massage therapists, because people tend to unload in our offices more than anywhere else. Well that, hairdressers, let me see. I actually created a fun list Hairdressers, massage therapists, checkout clerks, coffee baristas we're kind of like the front line of therapy. 911 call operators we're the ones who see people who probably won't go in for other types of treatment and care. So, understanding all of this and how to really be of service to other people is kind of part of our unwritten job description.

Speaker 1:

So back to codependency. Why does any of this matter? What if the lens through which you view the world is shaped by patterns you didn't consciously choose? Codependency creates a distorted view of relationships where you feel obligated to give, of relationships where you feel obligated to give fix or care for others to feel loved or valued. Without realizing it, you may believe your role is to serve even at the expense of your own needs, leaving you drained and disconnected from your true self.

Speaker 1:

This is a really interesting pattern, because when we have unconscious patterns, sometimes we transfer them from one room to the next. I look at it like if you have a baggage, an issue with your, your like too much clutter and we're talking about emotional clutter you might take it and put it in one room and move it to the next and just keep moving it around. And I noticed that with my intuition and my connection to the universe. Once I stopped the codependent patterns in my relationships and with my business, I started transferring it to the universe Like it needed to go somewhere. So I basically started not making decisions unless I felt like I was fully supported by the universe and my guides. That is not operating from a place of empowerment and free will, because we live in a co-creative universe, so we do not want to be in codependent relationships or a disempowered state in any area of our lives. It really creates dysregulation in our nervous system and unhealthy relationships and attachments. So these hidden beliefs not only impact your emotional health, but physical body and your spiritual energy, causing chronic tension, burnout and a feeling that you're never quite enough. This matters because until we uncover and rewrite these patterns, we can't step into the fullness of who we truly are or live in alignment with our soul's purpose. So what's really going on here?

Speaker 1:

At the heart of codependency are hidden beliefs and unconscious agendas that stem from early childhood experiences. Here's how this might look. We have hidden beliefs. I am only lovable if I take care of others. My needs don't matter, I don't matter. I have to make sure everyone is okay or I'll lose them. Now it's not like these thoughts are running around in our head. How they're showing up is in our behavior putting other people's needs ahead of our own, not taking care of ourselves, working to the point of exhaustion, not asking for our needs to be met or even identifying that we have needs to begin with. Can you relate to any of these? I know that this was me for most of my life, but I didn't know because it's how I always was. These beliefs create a view of the world where relationships are transactional If I give, I'll receive love in return.

Speaker 1:

However, it often feels like no matter how much you give, it's never enough. Can you relate to that? Have you ever been in a situation where you just felt like you weren't enough, or like nothing you did was enough, like you could never be or do enough? I know I have felt like that so many times in my life. I still struggle with that, where it's like I get to the end of the day and I think I just didn't do enough. I didn't get enough done. I didn't, I didn't do enough and I unfortunately still have that script in my head. But it's so much quieter and it's so much better than it used to be and I really want you all to experience the same freedom, because it is a much nicer place.

Speaker 1:

When you hear it and you can just say not anymore, I am enough now and actually mean it, you might find yourself asking questions throughout your day, your ego develops an agenda to protect you from the pain of feeling unworthy. It tricks you into believing that your safety and self-worth come from managing other people's emotions. As I started working with ancestral trauma and working with people who were told that they were here to resolve the pain of their ancestors, I started seeing codependency really play out in the world of spirituality. And a lot of people would say well, I volunteered as tribute, so I'm here to take on all of my ancestors pain and I just want to offer you that. That is also another sign of codependency. I remember saying that when I was on my spiritual healing journey right after my, like, shamanic death, and now that I'm looking back, I'm thinking, wow, that was just me transferring codependency to past lives or to ancestors or to anything else, because it was still a way of saying my life didn't matter as much as someone else's.

Speaker 1:

So if you find yourself asking questions like how can I fix this person or how can I make sure they're happy, I want you to stop yourself for a moment, because when we think about that, we're now taking responsibility for their journey, like it's our responsibility. Moms, I know you do this. I still do this with my kids and I have to stop myself all of the time. It'll be like, oh man, if I can only motivate my daughter enough, she'll finally realize how frigging brilliant she is and step into the glory of who she is. Or if I support my son enough, maybe he won't carry the same female wound that his dad did. And I know that those unconscious patterns are still running in the background, except I'm more aware of them now.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk about some of the behaviors and some of the emotions that might be linked to this type of codependent behavior, and I really want to reinforce we don't want to label ourselves codependent. We want to identify that these are codependent strategies that can be characterized by a similar group of behaviors, emotions and thought patterns, and that's all they are, is strategies, which is great, because behaviors and strategies can be changed as soon as we choose to. These beliefs and agendas lead to behaviors like people pleasing, overextending yourself and a fear of setting boundaries. Emotionally, codependence may feel anxiety, guilt and a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. Every time you overgive or say yes, when you mean no, you're reinforcing the belief that your needs are secondary. This emotional pattern creates a sense of powerlessness when you feel stuck in the role of giver but rarely receive the nurturing that you're craving.

Speaker 1:

Now I think sometimes we get into the pattern of thinking that codependency is mostly for women, but I have met just as many codependent men or men with codependent strategies as women, and it's almost from my like, outside perspective and having, you know, never been a man it's hard for them because they don't seem to have the same support or like vocalization around it that women do. I think, like traditionally we think of females as being more in the um, having more codependent strategies and also but men do too, and a lot of the time that shows up like the white knight syndrome, you know, the one who needs to be the hero all of the time. How does this affect us energetically and spiritually? Energetically, codependency depletes your life force. You're constantly giving, extending your energy outward to others without replenishing your own. Well, you're giving from an empty cup and when you're giving from an empty cup, you're creating sickness in your body. This leads to energetic imbalances in your body, particularly in your solar plexus and your heart chakras. The solar plexus, which governs personal power and self-worth, becomes weak or blocked when you place others' needs above your own. The heart, chakra responsible for love and connection, can become either overactive, overgiving or underactive, feeling unloved or unworthy.

Speaker 1:

Have you ever been around someone who feels unlovable? It breaks my heart when I'm around those people because I remember being that person. I remember being at Tony Robbins for the first time. I went to Tony Robbins and we had an experience where we had to put our finger up our nose and tell another human being that we just met our deepest fear. And I remember I was standing there, finger in my nose not coming out of my face because it's a cry fest If you've never been. It's a cry fest. And I was talking to this young guy and I was screaming at the top of my lungs that I felt completely unlovable and it almost breaks my heart to think that that's how I used to be. But I also have so much respect for the courageous journey of healing.

Speaker 1:

I went on to make sure that I now know I am completely lovable and it's funny what happens to you when you're standing there yelling this out to a stranger while you're basically picking your nose. And I mean honestly. It reset my entire nervous system around lovability. Reset my entire nervous system around lovability and I no longer struggle with feeling unlovable. In fact, I actually don't struggle with that at all anymore and I sometimes I don't even realize what I don't struggle with until I say it out loud and then I'm like, oh, I don't struggle with unlovability anymore. I love myself like a lot, and it's not like a ego, like, oh, I just love myself. You know, it's more of like. I know I have a deep love and respect for myself now in a way where I didn't before, and I'm so grateful for that and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Speaker 1:

But back to my story. So we're standing there fingers up our nose, screaming our worst fear, and I remember him looking at me, going you are so lovable and it wasn't like, oh, I'm hitting on you kind of thing, it was just from a genuine heart, divine place of one human to another. And I forget what his was. I think it was unworthy. He was carrying a lot of deep shame and I just looked at him like this strong man who was going to this event to improve himself, so he could be a better father to his son and a better husband to his wife, and I thought, wow, I would have given anything if my husband would have done something like this for me to be a better man in our family and I mean, I can't imagine anyone thinking that they were unworthy, being that courageous to go on that kind of journey.

Speaker 1:

But we don't see ourselves in that light. That's why it's helpful, when you're around other people, to like be able to see yourself the way that they see you, especially in the beginning of your journey, because sometimes we just have to borrow other people's perceptions of ourselves until we develop it for ourselves. So I want to help you understand some of the codependent patterns that you might have in your life that you might not realize are codependent. Some of these include hidden beliefs that drive you to overgive, or people please. If you're exhausted at the end of the day because you gave too much and you didn't fill your cup up in return, chances are you're dealing with some codependent strategies. Now, once in a while we do overgive in a day, but if you're seeing this pattern coming back over and over again, we want to explore that so you can start changing some of those patterns in your life.

Speaker 1:

Constant anxiety about how others feel or think about you. Do you ruminate after you go to a social event and wonder, oh no, should I have said that? Are you worried when you walk up to someone thinking about what they're thinking about you and as you sit there and say, doesn't everybody I'm going to offer you no, not everybody. So just hold that into your mind, because I know I used to and I no longer do. I'm just standing in my own sovereign authority over who I am and people sometimes like me and probably sometimes they don't, and it's not like it doesn't. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if someone didn't like me, but I'm not worried about it anymore. It's not like it doesn't. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if someone didn't like me, but I'm not worried about it anymore.

Speaker 1:

Difficulty saying no and feeling guilty when you set boundaries. Have you ever had to say no to somebody and it made you feel sick to your stomach, like you just felt like you were going to die because you had to say no, that you couldn't help them or you couldn't do the thing that you were asking, that they were asking for help with. That's a sign that you have some coping strategies that are aligned with codependency or inability to set boundaries. This is really common with massage therapists and other healers is we have these unconscious codependence coping strategies, so we almost take on the person's healing journey like it's our own, like if we don't come up with the solution, then it's on us, and that's not really creating a healthy boundary, with putting responsibility back on the person who's coming in for treatment. And also responsibility like energetic boundaries, like that's really important the verbal boundaries, energetic boundaries, physical boundaries All of these are boundaries that we need to learn about, a deep need for external validation and approval.

Speaker 1:

My coach got me on this one when I met him in person the second time when he came to America and we did a five day and I kept seeking external validation from him that I was doing it right. And he did finally look at me and he said do you really need me to tell you again that you know what you're doing? And I was crushed inside. I felt like I was going to die. I actually didn't get back on one of his calls for, I think, three months and then I started doing my inner work. I mean, I'm always doing my inner work, but I really thought about that specifically and once I got through to it I realized he was a hundred percent right. I was still looking for someone outside of me to validate that what I was doing was right and that was an old pattern that I still needed to shift, and I'm so grateful that he actually jared it right out of me Feeling emotionally and physically drained after interactions with people.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes we'll say that that's because we're introverted, but I want to question if that's your introversion or if you're actually using codependent coping strategies to get through a situation and that's what's draining you. So if you're feeling emotionally and physically drained after you interact with certain people, chances are you're probably using some either energetic codependent coping strategies. You're unaware of mental codependency strategies, physical or even emotional. So really take some time to explore who am I interacting with where I feel very energetically drained and physically drained after I interact with them, and how can I put up better boundaries to make sure that my energy is always protected?

Speaker 1:

Chronic pain and fatigue that doesn't seem to have a clear cause. This one is so important and the whole reason I got into the line of work that I do. Chronic pain or fatigue is one of the most common symptoms of untreated coping mechanisms dealing with codependent strategies. If you have chronic pain or a heavy sense of fatigue, I really want to invite you to look at some of the strategies that you have in your life. Where are you handing your power away to other people, other people's opinions, their behaviors and, more importantly, their outcomes?

Speaker 1:

My power was constantly given away to my ex-husband's drinking. It was like if he gets sober, then I'll finally feel safe, then I'll finally have the family I always dreamed of and I'll finally have the validation that I am worthy of a family, a loving, healthy family. And because he could never get sober, I tried and tried everything in my power to help him. And you know what happened. I made myself sick. I was constantly struggling with obesity, with chronic pain. My back would go out all of the time. I was always dissociated from my life. I would yell and I had all of these coping mechanisms that just made me feel even worse about myself than I even imagined.

Speaker 1:

And my healing journey really started with addressing my codependency and I didn't have a lot of understanding of how to move past it. I would sit in Al-Anon meetings and I was like I don't want to be here for the rest of my life, I don't want to be a codependent, I don't want that to be me. And all I knew was that I had to keep looking for the answer and I did. I found it Like a lot of the tools that I developed that I use in my coaching program were the tools that helped me break the cycle of codependent strategies in my life and helped me make sure that my kids and I don't also have codependent relationships, because I couldn't imagine my son and my daughter growing up being codependent with me or me being the codependent parent trying to control them. To me that sounded like a horrible future for all of us and that's why I made it like my priority, because I think sometimes like the intention is so beautiful to put our kids in therapy to get them help, but if we really want to help our kids, the most important person that we can heal is ourselves. They follow quite quickly.

Speaker 1:

I hope this was helpful for you today because it really is something that I'm very passionate about and I love educating people about. Not because I think there's something wrong with people who have codependent strategies. I just think that they're making you sick and you don't know that there's an answer, that there's a way out of them. And I have answers and I have strategies to help you break those cycles of codependency. And here's the best part of breaking the cycle of codependency. People who have narcissistic coping strategies and behaviors no longer find you interesting because you no longer fit their dysfunctional patterns. So the real way to become narcissist proof is to do your inner work and develop a healthy, secure attachment style. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today. My name is Tabitha McDonald and I am an intuitive coach and a healer, and I am so happy to be of service to you on your journey of healing and just becoming aligned with who you were always meant to be. Have a great day.

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Tabitha MacDonald

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