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The Enneagram's Guide to Navigating Heartbreak

• Tabitha MacDonald • Episode 34

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Imagine the journey through heartbreak as a winding path that each Enneagram type walks differently: the Helper's search for self outside of others, the Achiever's fear of failure, and the Observer's analytical detachment. Our exploration dives into these nuances, from the Loyalty Seeker's struggle with trust to the Enthusiast's flight from pain into pleasure. As we navigate these experiences, we reveal the power of embracing emotions and the strength found in vulnerability.

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About Tabitha
Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Healer committed to helping people overcome their pain as fast as possible so that they can have the love, success, freedom and fulfillment they truly desire.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the Mindful Love Podcast. My name is Tabitha McDonald. I am so grateful that you're tuning in. Today. I am going to talk about the Enneagram and heartbreak and how each type experiences heartbreak differently and uniquely, based on their personality and how they see the world. Based on their personality and how they see the world, I think that when we're experiencing heartbreak or trauma little traumas, big traumas we all experience it in a very different way, and this is where the Enneagram really shines is because we want validation from other people when we're hurting, about why we're hurting the way that we are, or that other people hurt the same way that we do. And if you're like a type two going to a type eight, hoping to have some kind of commonality or validation in the way that you're experiencing pain, you're not going to get it, and so it's really important that you understand how your unique personality experiences heartbreak so that you can, one, get the validation for yourself and also not go to the wrong person to validate the way that you're feeling. Because if you're going to someone who doesn't know how to feel deeply or who moves through pain by shoving it down and moving on, then if you go to them for validation or comfort. They might not be able to give it to you and then you can feel really frustrated, unseen and unheard, and that just makes the heartbreak even bigger and more intense. So when we think about heartbreak, it's a universal human experience. That means we all go through it at some point, but we all navigate it very, very differently, based on our personality and our tendencies. The Enneagram is a system of personality typing which outlines nine distinct types, each with its own way of perceiving and responding to the world. Understanding how each Enneagram type experiences heartbreak can help us empathize with others and provide better support during tough times.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk about type one, the perfectionist. Let's talk about type one, the perfectionist Type ones may experience heartbreak as a personal failure or flaw, which can lead them to judge themselves really harshly. So if they're in heartbreak, chances are their inner critic is going to be screaming at them and they're going to obsessively try to make everything around them more perfect. So when a type one is really, really hurting, they might walk into a room and see everything that's imperfect and start over-perfecting the room, and the people who are with them might be looking at them like, wow, I don't see anything wrong. But when type one is in that pain response, all they see is everything that's wrong.

Speaker 1:

It's a perceptual shift that is really just in the dysfunctional space of perfection, which is nothing will ever be perfect enough. If I can make this room look more perfect, then I won't hurt so bad inside. If I can make the sales page more perfect, then I won't feel like such an imposter. If I can make my hair more perfect, my outfit more perfect, my body more perfect, then I won't have to feel the underlying anger or betrayal or sadness. That's really at the crux of the perfectionism. So they also obsess over what went wrong and they try to fix the situation, believing that if they had done something differently, the outcome might have even been better. So they might go into that self-judgment of if I had been more perfect, then this person wouldn't have hurt me that way.

Speaker 1:

And I think that really what the type one would benefit from allowing themselves to do is to really feel their emotions and accept imperfection, that emotions in and of themselves are imperfect because they're illogical. There is no logic to emotion and so when we try to make them logical, or we try to make them perfect, or we try to be perfect at experiencing them. We're just going to fail because there's no perfect way of experiencing emotions. The focus for the type one who's in heartbreak should really be on self-compassion and remembering that heartbreak is a natural part of life and that not a reflection on their worth or their abilities. When somebody hurts us like maybe they left us or there was a betrayal, or even heartbreak of friendships, like where we're rejected it really activates that core wound of if I'm more perfect, then I'll belong. And so for all my type ones out there, what I would really just like to say is you don't need to be any more perfect than you are right now to belong and to be loved.

Speaker 1:

The other person perceived rejection of you was really all about their ability to love you. It has nothing to do with your lovability and this is true for all of you who are listening. It doesn't matter if you're a type one through nine. This is true for all of you. If someone is rejecting you or hurting you or trying to manipulate your behavior so that you fit into the version of you that they want you to be, it's not about you needing to be more perfect of you that they want you to be. It's not about you needing to be more perfect. It's about their inability to love. Period. It's not about you, and I wish I had known this when I was younger because, oh man, I tried to fix myself so many times to fit into people's visions of what I should be, and I think I've also done that to people in return, and now, coming to terms with that and being done with that, I get to be more authentic myself and also to love people in their authenticity as well, which is a huge gift.

Speaker 1:

Okay, my type twos, my helpers out there oh, your heartbreak, I feel it. It's really hard for type twos to experience heartbreak, uh, particularly because they invest so much in their relationships. A type two actually defines themselves through other people's vision of them, and to anyone else, uh, who's listening to this, they might be like that is so weird. It doesn't matter. That's how the type two defines themselves and there's nothing wrong with it. It all has to do with their core wounding of needing to get love and feeling as if they never were able to do enough to earn it or to feel worthy of it, and so they perceive their lovability through the behaviors of the people around them. So if the people around them are showering them with love. They feel loved. And this isn't all type twos remember everybody's on the spectrum of where they're at in in their personal development journey.

Speaker 1:

So a type two who's done more work may not really struggle with us. But a type two who's done more work may not really struggle with this. But a type two who's in their dysfunctional pattern of codependency might feel a little bit worse when they're going through a breakup, especially because they're losing the self-identity the identity of self because it came through the person that they were in the relationship with. They may also feel very unappreciated or neglected and question their value when the relationship ends. So they're going to question their worthiness, their value, and they'll take it especially hard. And unfortunately this creates, you know, type two staying in relationships way longer than they should. Uh, because of that identity, of seeing themselves through how other people see them, um, when a heart type two is in heartbreak, um, get support, um from people you can trust who are going to validate your feelings.

Speaker 1:

Type twos should focus on self-care and self-love during heartbreak and during the healing phase, really really lean on supportive friends and family members for comfort and for recognizing that their worth is not solely defined by their ability to care for others, that they're allowed to take time to heal and that really like what I can see a type two doing is overextending help to someone else as a way of deflecting their own needs. And this would be them and their dysfunctional pattern. They might become over-obsessed with helping others when they're in pain because they're like, oh my gosh, I need to get my self-worth back. I know I'll help as many people around me as possible. Now, this is not always a bad strategy, and none of it's a bad strategy. It's just when you don't give yourself the time to be supported in your healing journey, then you're going to end up resentful and regretful later of all of the people that you overhelped when you were in pain, instead of just going through the process of healing and allowing yourself to go through the grief of the end of the relationship, whatever kind of relationship it was for you.

Speaker 1:

Type threes the achievers oh I love. I love my type threes, um, especially the ones who are just learning how to feel, because it's kind of like the tin man who had the oil on their heart and all of a sudden they're just feeling their feelings and their emotions and I'm like, oh, I love you. I was there, I know how it feels, and so a heartbreak might actually be the like little, the needle I don't know what is the term the straw that broke the camel's back where now they're forced to really feel all of the feelings they haven't felt for a while. So it could be a small, perceived, small heartbreak, like maybe it wasn't somebody you dated for a long time and you might be experiencing like an insurmountable amount of pain that seems like it's not in alignment with the experience you just had. Just know that it's probably like many similar pains that just got lumped together in the same small experience.

Speaker 1:

Type threes might see heartbreak as a failure to achieve their relationship goals. Remember, type threes are high achievers and so they like to be successful and they like to meet goals, and so if a type three feels like they failed at the relationship and the relationship goals, it's going to come across as just this huge wounding and they might feel very unworthy and question their desirability or their competence. For type threes we have to remember the relationship isn't a goal to be accomplished, it's an experience to be had, and I think being present with that and especially being present with your feelings and not becoming an overworker or a workaholic during the breakup is going to be really, really important for you, and also not like trying to control other success areas in your life when the relationship has come to a completion Because that's what I'll see is they become almost obsessed with success in other parts of their lives, so this will become, like I'll be, like become a workaholic or maybe a little overexercise. They can't stop because they're so afraid of feeling the feelings and the pain and the hurt and that sense of failure from the relationship. If we can just remember that it's not a failure, it's just a completion, that reframe might help you while you're going through the experience of a relationship ending and the heartbreak that comes with it.

Speaker 1:

It's really important for type threes to focus on self-acceptance and recognize that the failure in relationships does not define their overall success. Taking a step back to reflect on their emotions and validate themselves independently of external achievements can be really helpful. This is especially true for a type three who has endured emotional abuse and is unaware of it, because here's what I see a lot with type threes as well is that because they are in the heart center and they live like they're more logical, but they're really a heart-centered person who's living in logic. It opens them up to be slightly more easy to manipulate with feelings. Because if they're not attached to their feelings, if they're not aware of their feelings, then somebody who may be really good at emotional manipulation can come in and speak to their emotions that the person's not connected with and then that part of them that has been longing for that emotional connection that they've kind of been denying the emotional manipulator has a really clear path in. And that is why I think sometimes really smart, really high achieving people find themselves in emotionally manipulative relationships is because they're kind of disconnected to their emotions feeling them not thinking about them, but feeling them and because that part of them longs to really feel. Emotional manipulators know how to see the window of opportunity and speak to that unexpressed part of their personality. So remember to learn how to feel your feelings and if you need help, I have a whole course on this Part of it's, most of it's handled through mindful love, which is my bigger course on, you know, relationship recovery and how to have healthy relationships. But then I have a whole course just on mastering your emotions and how to feel, because that was such a challenge for me, and breakups were really what taught me how to feel, or what, I would say, forced me into finally learning how to feel.

Speaker 1:

Type fours are individualist. Type fours often feel heartbreak very deeply and may believe that they will never find someone who truly understands them. This can lead them to wallow in their emotions and feel isolated. Now, part of the type four personality that loves the drama and the longing and I am not saying that in a disrespectful way, it's part of what makes you a great storyteller and artist is almost that addiction to longing for something. But when you're in a heartbreak you can, like really ruminate and spin on it to the point where it's suffocating you and your ability to express your creativity.

Speaker 1:

So for a type four, when you're going through heartbreak, diving into creativity and outlets of creativity, whatever that looks like for you, is going to be important, so you don't get lost in that heartbreak for way longer than you should. And when I say should, what I mean is because I don't want to, like trigger anybody to going. Don't tell me how long I need to heal. What I mean is should is we don't want to be stuck in heartbreak for years because then it steals our life from us. And so sometimes when we get into the experience of really feeling our pain and this is especially true for type fours they're so good at feeling that they might want to stay there because they're really good at it, and the challenge for them is going to be coming out of it back into joy as fast as is possible for them, and being able to express their pain creatively is going to help them get there, and we could do that through music, art, writing, connecting with others who have experienced similar pain can also provide a sense of community and support. And then you know also, I don't want to like downplay things like improv, comedy, acting, being in the theater, arts is a great way to express your pain and to process through it. Improv, for me, has been amazing, helping me learn how to process through a lot of my uncomfortable emotions and how to channel them into a very creative outlet.

Speaker 1:

Type five are investigators. Type fives might withdraw into themselves during heartbreak, preferring to analyze the situation rationally rather than confronting their emotions directly. They may struggle to express their feelings or seek support from others. This is where they're going to over-intellectualize everything, so they're going to be in the head triad right so they're thinking about their feelings. They're reading to be in the head triad right. So they're thinking about their feelings. They're reading books about feelings, they're watching scientific documentaries about their feelings and in doing so they think they're feeling their feelings. They think they're feeling the grief, but really they're just processing it through intellect. And I have to say from my own experience, this is not processing our feelings. It's storing it up for later. And so the type fives challenge is really going to be learning how to be vulnerable with their feelings and to sit with their feelings and to feel them. Now, the thought of that might feel like death for someone in the head triad, but the cool thing is is that once we learn how to process through our feelings, it really only lasts 90 seconds. As soon as we allow it to kind of fully process, we can acknowledge it and then start flipping it into something else. What we don't want to do is ignore the feeling, because then it's kind of like this emotional debt that gets stored up for later in life. Type fives should make an effort to open up to trusted friends or family members, allowing themselves to feel and process their emotions rather than overanalyzing, which can lead to a faster healing experience and it's also going to give you the gift of being able to trust people again and faster.

Speaker 1:

Type six the loyalist Type sixes may experience heartbreak as a betrayal or loss of trust. They might replay the situation in their minds, looking for clues or warning signs that could have been missed. Type sixes are going to go into the conspiracy part of their type. I see a lot of anxious attachment style in the type sixes and they're going to just start ruminating and having anxiety because now they're not going to feel safe and they're going to be feeling the deep sense of betrayal.

Speaker 1:

My ex-husband is a six and when we separated, I think he's still ruminating on it about the disloyalty of me leaving him, even though it was linked to his inability to stay sober and his destructive behavior when he was actively drinking and his abuse when he was actively drinking. But he still can't reconcile the disloyalty of me leaving him and it's been, oh my gosh, since at least nine years. So he's still unable to reconcile the disloyalty of it and who no longer trusts people to be in a relationship with. I don't think he's had a. Really he has not had a relationship since we separated or divorced. And even in our mediation, where we were mediating the contract of our divorce, he kept wanting to talk about how it was my fault for leaving him and breaking the loyalty of the marriage and the mediator was like that's not what we're here to discuss and it couldn't get him out of that ruminating pattern.

Speaker 1:

The loyalty of the marriage and. And the mediator was like that's not what we're here to discuss and it couldn't get him out of that ruminating pattern around the breakup of the, the marriage, um, that's going to look different for each type six right depending on, like, the role of you know that you played in the relationship, and then also, um, if you're more of an anxious attachment style or you're an avoidant, and then also how much work you do, inner work you do during this time period to not ruminate on the end, but look at the growth that you were meant to experience, um, and that's going to be really important for you not to be looking for all of the signs that you what you missed, and really focusing on what do I need to learn from this and how can I grow from this Um and really finding reassurance and support from their inner circle. So not going into that, into that mode where nobody can be trusted, and knowing that there's people around you that you can trust, to be vulnerable with, and that's going to really help you focus on building trust in yourself and your judgment, which can help you regain that sense of stability. So, if a type six is taken aback by a breakup and they weren't prepared for it, they'll really question their judgment and their ability to judge people, which can have a pretty deep impact on their stability and their feeling of safety in the world. And so you know, we're all human beings having a human experience. Sometimes we misjudge people or sometimes people just change their minds, and it doesn't have to do with you and anything that you missed. Sometimes things are going on internally for people that they don't share with us, and or maybe they do and we didn't hear it, because we we have a way of filtering information as it comes to our brain through our ego, and and I don't say ego like a bad thing, like, like you know, big ego I mean our ego, which is our perspective, our perception of the world, and so we might misinterpret something as it's coming through, based on our experience of the world. And I'll just say this to everyone that this something as it's coming through, based on our experience of the world, and I'll just say this to everyone, that this is why it's so important to understand your partner's Enneagram type, so that you have a kind of outline, a book that will show you their perception of the world through their personality, or at least give you a starting point so that you can get clarity on how they see the world, because it might mean most likely almost everybody's is going to be in direct opposition or completely different than how you see the world, even if you have a lot in common. So, type sevens the enthusiasts.

Speaker 1:

For type sevens, heartbreak can be a struggle because they tend to avoid negative emotions at all costs. Type sevens may distract themselves with new experiences to escape the pain. And I am a type seven and I will say that heartbreak is the thing that has almost taken me down every time, and it looks pretty similar every time where the breakup happens and I feel the pain, it's too much, and then I say forget it and I start partying, I start dating, I start acting like I'm 21, all over again, going to nightclubs, I look like I'm having the best time on the planet, snapping, you know selfies out and having fun and really I'm avoiding sitting with the pain. I become busier than I've ever been. I'll be more adventurous, busier than I've ever been. I'll be more adventurous, more like kind of spontaneous than ever.

Speaker 1:

To everyone on the outside it'll look like I'm doing great and really that's when a type seven is probably the most dysfunctional, because we're not sitting still to experience the pain. We're moving so much so we actually don't have to feel it at all. And if I could just talk to all my type sevens out there because I love you so much, because I am a type seven and I get that we want to run from pain, at some point it's going to come and you're going to have to feel it. And the truth is is that we have this deep, underlying fear that if we feel the pain it will kill us, like it will kill us. And the real truth is is that it won't and that when we learn to feel the pain of the experience we're in at the moment we're in it instead of delaying it for later, we really become powerful people. And this is true for everybody, but for all of my type sevens who deny pain even exist. This is especially true for you because a lot of the time I think we're we're called um superficial, like because we're so busy, we're not uncommitted, like we'd struggle with staying in one place. And when we learn to sit with our pain, our boredom, our discomfort, we really get this depth of emotion that I think is just a really beautiful gift.

Speaker 1:

Type 7s benefit from confronting their feelings head on and allowing themselves to grieve really, and mindfulness practices and journaling can help process these emotions and find peace. I have also found that somatic practices are really helpful. I have found meditation, breath work, art things that I used to think were a waste of time are now like my top priority. When I'm avoiding or overeating or over drinking or like planning to escape someplace, I go. Whoa, what is the feeling I'm avoiding feeling right now, and a lot of the time it's fear, heartbreak, pain, boredom, disappointment, judgment, ridicule, rejection. You know the biggies? Oh, just those little guys you know.

Speaker 1:

But the cool thing is that once we become good at processing through pain, it's pretty fast. I can sit with pain now that used to like get shoved down for years and process through it in a very good, short amount of time, and it's not from a place of like dissociating from it anymore. It's from a place of like actually experiencing the pain from it anymore. It's from a place of like actually experiencing the pain, processing through it and then moving on. Some of the other processes I love are like the Sedona method. Sometimes I'll just sit with the pain and I'll go okay, how old am I right now?

Speaker 1:

And I'll do parts work and I do that in my programs. I do coaching with parts work a lot because most of the time the pain that's allowed to come up to the surface isn't just the pain from a 48-year-old woman, it's the pain from a two-year-old, a six-year-old, a 13-year-old, a 17-year-old, a 21-year-old and like everything from my 30s all the way up to 48. And so it's not a little pain Like it's a big pain because it's all the parts that have had that pain in the past kind of up in the experience at the same time. So parts integration work is super helpful because we can de-escalate the volume of pain very quickly and it's usually best done when the pain is up, not when the pain is suppressed back down or settled down. It's like when it's usually best done when the pain is up, not when the pain is suppressed back down or settled down. It's like when it's up, reach out. If any of you need more help with learning some of those tools, I feel like I have the biggest toolbox for processing through pain now and it's one of the greatest gifts of really taking the time to like deal with heartbreak and do it in a way where I was present with it and also also now I can be present with others in their pain and not need to fix it for them or to run away from them, and that's actually even

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