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How Emotional Abuse Impacts Your Purpose

• Tabitha MacDonald • Episode 33

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Have you ever felt like a shadow within your own family, wrestling with a sense of invisibility even while crafting a heartfelt tribute to a loved one? Join me, Tabitha MacDonald, on a poignant episode of the Mindful Love Podcast, where I bare my soul about the emotional toll of gaslighting and passive-aggressive behaviors. Discover how these hidden forms of emotional abuse can erode self-worth and hinder us from embracing our innate creative power.

Are you ready to feel supported on your healing journey?  The Soma Flow Library of Healing is now available.  With a powerful meditations, hypnosis sessions and Superconscious Recodes to restructure your unconscious patterns, this is a must have tool to your journey back to you.  

About Tabitha
Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Healer committed to helping people overcome their pain as fast as possible so that they can have the love, success, freedom and fulfillment they truly desire.

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Speaker 1:

Hi and welcome to the Mindful Love Podcast. My name is Tabitha MacDonald and I am an intuitive coach. Excited that you are here today. On today's episode, we are going to talk about purpose and how emotional abuse gets in the way of us living our purpose and mainly also not living in our true nature, which is to be a powerful creator. This month in my monthly membership program, we are doing a deep dive into purpose and really exploring what that looks like for each person and how they choose to bring it into the world, and I feel very blessed and fortunate that I have been aligned with my purpose for a very long time. It is how I have worked through probably some of the most painful experiences of my life was like I just kept saying, like I'm just going to put it in a container of purpose. One day this will help someone, one day this will make sense and me taking the time to process through it or work through it is going to benefit someone else. You know, talk about some inherited self-worth issues, but now I see how it also benefits me. But at the time, because of who I was and where I was at in the world, it really helped me make it through some of the darkest times of my life.

Speaker 1:

I want to first talk about what emotional abuse is, because I think sometimes we don't know. And I want to talk to that for a moment because I just had an experience over the last six weeks where I was entangled back in a situation where I was tolerating emotional abuse because someone was grieving and I wasn't recognizing it. In fact, I didn't recognize it at all. I just kept bending with it like my old pattern and I was like, now that I'm onto it, I'm like, oh man, I thought I had overcome that and I realized it was still pretty deep, my response to it and it was some pretty old wounds that needed to be healed. Um, my step-mom passed away about uh, a month, a month, six weeks ago it was six weeks ago and I've been helping my dad with, um, some of the preparations for her memorial service, one of which was creating a slideshow and then a card to commemorate her life that we would pass out at the service, and I have been doing the best I can to help him with that. And you know, whenever you're helping someone with something like that, you know there's a lot of compassion and grace because they're grieving as well at the same time, because they're grieving as well at the same time.

Speaker 1:

And it really hit like a, I would say, kind of a climax when I was in Sedona with my entrepreneur group and we were, you know, focusing on the business. It was a couple of weeks ago and he called while I was with a group of my colleagues and chastised me and said we are coming to the, you know, a wire here. This should have been done weeks ago. And why isn't it together? And why can't you call me at this specific time? And this is, you know. And then I said well, dad, I'm at a meeting, but I can call you at this time. And then it was well, I'm working and I can't meet you at that time.

Speaker 1:

And it was all blame, it was a ton of blame and instead of me realizing that I was absorbing it, I was absorbing it and I didn't know I was absorbing it and I didn't know that I was making it mean that I was a failure, that I was never good at anything, that basically, my entire existence was a pain in the butt. I didn't hear the script running in the background. I just noticed myself getting really insecure. I started lacking confidence. I didn't want to raise my hand or talk to anyone. In fact, my coach James, when he asked me to direct him on the reel that we were recording, I just looked at him like I was completely incompetent and it sucked. It sucked to be in that space of. I shouldn't be here, I don't belong, I'm not good enough, like my very existence is a problem, and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from and I just kept blaming it on the fact that I was at this conference and that you know, I felt, like most of us do, like an imposter, like it didn't belong there.

Speaker 1:

And you know, every day I would get these phone calls about how I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do and I kept saying, like I actually need this written from you because I wasn't married to her, was supposed to do, and I kept saying, like I actually need this written from you because I wasn't married to her, I need you to write it. And then there would be deflection oh I can't, I don't have time, it's your fault, I have to go to work. And there was these like passive, aggressive, deflective behaviors and things that were slowly weaving into my definition of self and emotional abuse when we like to really understand it. It's not like this over kind of it can be, but it's not always this over criticism or harshness. A lot of the time it's a very passive-aggressive, manipulative language pattern that slowly eats away at your self-worth and how you see yourself. So the definition of emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that seeks to control, demean or manipulate another person emotionally.

Speaker 1:

It can manifest in various ways, such as constant criticism, manipulation, isolation or gaslighting. So the gaslighting would be like well, I sent you the IT guy's information, you should have contacted him by now. And I'm like I didn't see the IT guy's contact information, you never sent it to me. I didn't see the IT guy's contact information, you never sent it to me. Yes, I did. And this like so I'm thinking, wow, I'm so disorganized I can't even manage to get the contact information from my dad and I didn't receive it. Like I didn't have the information. And then he would say, well, I have to get the number for you. And then there would be this confusion and then I would walk away, going okay, is it my fault? Or like, did I, did I miss something? And really going into I am such a bad daughter.

Speaker 1:

The effects of emotional abuse can lead to feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt, anxiety, depression and a loss of identity. I would say the loss of identity has got to be one of the worst in that and that's because I had really worked on identity level beliefs for the last couple of years to make sure that I, you know, had self-worth. I care about who I am, I have respect for myself. I, you know, had self-worth. I care about who I am, I have respect for myself, I trust who I am and I trust my intuition and myself. And I wasn't any of those things all of a sudden and I was felt like I was a little kid all over again who didn't feel like I belonged anywhere and it was really uncomfortable and I thought I would shake it off. When I got home from Arizona, I didn't. It actually got worse and then I got to Washington for the funeral and you know, a lot of the blocks that come from emotional abuse include, like erosion of self-worth.

Speaker 1:

The emotional abuse can cause us to question our value, our abilities. Making it difficult to pursue our purpose with confidence Creates a lot of fear and anxiety. So we kind of go in that fight or flight where we're always looking for danger and that will prevent us from taking risks or taking uncalculated risks and really preventing us, allowing that fear to prevent us from pursuing our dreams. It can create a lot of isolation. Abusers often try to cut off their victims from supportive networks, leaving us feeling alone and without guidance on our path.

Speaker 1:

I definitely felt that growing up in a home that was emotionally abusive and had addiction in it. Manipulation and control the abuser may steer their people away from their purpose, pushing their own agenda or keeping everyone in a state of dependency around them, and I see this a lot with kind of like the white knight syndrome type of emotional abuse where people are actually unknowingly, maybe even unconsciously, kept in a state of constant dependency so that this person will be needed. That is a form of manipulation and control. Loss of trust. Trusting our own instincts becomes challenging after being manipulated, making it hard to navigate our own path. And this is really where I noticed the big thing for me and depression.

Speaker 1:

Like I have, I don't suffer from depression and after the week and um, or we weren't even there for a week it was like three nights, I think, in Washington for the funeral. It was like one thing after another that I was failing at. Um. I remember, like even just submitting the final memorial cards to the printer and everyone saying, like you did it too late, they're not going to be ready. And I stood at the printer and then they confirmed it Like you did it too late, they're not going to be ready. And I was like no, no, no, I'm a powerful creator, like I'm going to make sure that this happens. And this beautiful angel of a man, cliff thank you, cliff. From Bellingham, washington, at office max came in and made sure everything was taken care of. I mean, I just stood there and I said, um guides, I really need a hand right now. And it reminded me of the beauty in the universe when we stay in the end result and we also trust our intuition. Um and cliff absolutely went out of his way to help me and make sure that everything was done on time and they were beautiful and so.

Speaker 1:

But I stopped trusting myself. I almost stopped trusting in my own ability to create things that were magical and I had to work really hard to keep on top of it. And you know, then I did the presentation for her and my stepmother Lynn, and I put together all of the pictures of her life that my dad had sent me and I wasn't registering the fact that nowhere in the pictures were my sister and I, and I wasn't registering how painful that was to put together the life story of his family and to not even be a thought in the memorial documentation, like how it was worded, the obituary, or in any of the pictures that he asked me to put together. And I was sitting there and I finally realized why it was bothering me and I thought, well, we're not even represented as part of the family and that stung like it really hurt. And because I didn't want to make a scene and I didn't want to make it a big deal, and I just came there to be, you know, a partner in this. You know saying goodbye to someone I cared about. A partner in this, you know, saying goodbye to someone I cared about, I pushed down all of my own feelings and really didn't address any of them. And the interesting thing is, as a medium, I don't usually, you know, tout my ability to be a medium, but when it's when I need it, it comes in handy.

Speaker 1:

And I was sitting at my parents' house and we were all folding the books and it was fun, it was nice seeing it with my stepbrothers who I hadn't seen in a long time, and I just felt this knowing and I just I reached under the coffee table and it was cluttered, so I mean I don't even know how I found it. I know how I found it. I was guided and I pulled out this little brown photo album and on the front it said to Sally, that was my dad's sister, my aunt, who's also passed. This is my family. And I started flipping through and it was done by Lynn, my stepmom, and on page three she had written these are my daughters, tavanya and Tabitha. And I almost wanted to cry because I realized that she did see us as her daughters and she very much saw us as her family and I felt the love from her come through in that moment and I just I still feel it. And the more I looked and kind of followed her guidance, the more evidence I saw of how much she actually really did love having two daughters and and I felt this beautiful closure around that with her. And you know, I went home then and added my sister and I into the slides myself and like, really thought about, like this is her memorial and she really did see us as part of her family, like I can put our family in there.

Speaker 1:

And so then the weekend progressed and I had a lot more challenges with my dad and it became increasingly emotionally taxing for me, and the thing I think that set me over the edge was I was on the treadmill and I flew off of it. Oh my gosh, it was so embarrassing and I hit my head and I stood up and I got back on. And I was on the treadmill and I flew off of it. Oh my gosh, it was so embarrassing and I hit my head and I stood up and I got back on and I was standing there and my dad called and he said did you pick up that card that you lost Office Max? And I'm like dad, I just fell and hit my head. I literally just flew off the treadmill and hit my head. Can I have just a minute? And I just need a minute and he goes. Well, I really need that. It was for my best friend and, um, you know that's important to me. And I said, no problem, I'll call office max, I know they have it.

Speaker 1:

And I hung up and I went upstairs and I just started sobbing uh to my daughter and I said I just feel um, unseen and abandoned all over again, like, like I don't matter. And you know, I decided to just keep that to myself because I know my family and I anytime I try to have these conversations, it doesn't fare well for me. I have tried, so like, if you're in that with your family, maybe you have, you might have a different experience with my family. It doesn't work. I have tried and I ended up leaving feeling worse than if I just go process it with my friends or my coach myself and I just kind of allowed myself to be in the experience and present and also, you know, supportive for everyone who was there, but also knowing that it was really hurting me a lot to kind of see my dad, to see him, because he is quite emotionally abusive and I didn't really see it before and I always thought it was just my mom. But to have to sit and really see your dad that way too, I just thought like, wow, it's both of them and it's not about blame or shame or anything like that. It's more about seeing people for how they're being in their behavior and it's not like this was an isolated incident. This is how it was for pretty much most of my life. I think it just. I think being raw and vulnerable and open there, coming just out of this beautiful experience of collective um like support and um, just connection and community into this, was just a real eye-opener. And yes, I do have grace and compassion for people who are grieving. And I am saying these things not to bash my dad, but because I want other people to to see what emotional abuse looks like when it's more under the radar and covert.

Speaker 1:

Because I came home and I was depressed, I couldn't get anything done. I really wanted to throw in the towel on my podcast. I wanted to throw in the towel on my coaching business. I wanted to just throw in the towel. I was incredibly depressed and, you know, somebody asked me is this because of your stepmom? And I'm like no, I feel like at peace with that and I couldn't figure it out. I just kept hearing this horrible voice in my head and it was like you're not worthy, you're not smart enough to do this, you're not capable, none of this is going to work for you. You might as well sell your house and move on the streets. It was a horrible inner dialogue. I haven't had the likes of that in really a long time and I am so grateful that I had a coaching call this morning because my coach immediately picked up on it.

Speaker 1:

She goes, whoops, you're like this is yep, it's a two-year-old, it's your two-year-old and it's a two year old. It's your two year old and it's timeline thing. And we're just going to go straight into recode. And we went in and did a full superconscious recode, which is where we rewire and take those emotional triggers and basically diffuse them. But we keep all of the wisdom and the learning from the experiences. And she took me through this beautiful process and we did a time we did timeline therapy and parts integration work, really working with the parts that had been activated and as soon as we were done I could talk again.

Speaker 1:

I wasn't depressed anymore, I felt like back to myself again and we could actually talk about the thing that I wanted to talk about, which was growing my business. And I was so grateful that I had that appointment set up because I was really getting concerned about why I was so depressed, because I haven't I don't struggle with depression and I I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to shift out of it, and I tried, like doing breath work and meditation. I pulled out all the stops on all of my basket of tools and the truth is is that sometimes we need someone else to help us through it, and that's just the way it is. And I think that's where having a coach can be really helpful. It's not like therapy where we need to go unpack everything and talk about what happened. What we do is we go identify the original experience that's being triggered into your active experience and we can just remove the emotional trigger behind it and treat the pain where it's at.

Speaker 1:

And that's what I love about super conscious recode work is that I think therapy just didn't work for me Not that it doesn't work for everybody, it just didn't work for me and it helps move through the pain so much faster because we look at okay, well, how do you want to feel? What do you want to do? Instead and I was like I just want to feel normal again, like I don't want to feel horrible like this, like I feel like I shouldn't even be here, like I'm a waste of space, and I'm not saying that. My dad said any of those words when we're a child and we have an experience, like we code up a belief or a structure based on a little kid's experience into our wiring, into our brain, and so it's not necessarily about what the person said or did, it's how we received it and how we created a story around it.

Speaker 1:

And when you're, you know two, three, four, five, which is where most of our coding comes from you know we're looking for love and belonging, because love and belonging is the essence of our survival at that age, because we need other people to take care of us. And so you know, whatever the coding got scripted into my unconscious of, like it's really you don't belong and you're not worthy and you know your very existence is a problem. I don't know why. I don't know if anybody said that to make me think that it doesn't matter. What matters is that that's what the coding was. And so we just go fix the coding and that's what my beautiful coach did for me today.

Speaker 1:

And I went on my day and I felt amazing. I felt very grounded. I felt very grounded. I felt very connected with my purpose. I felt very excited to get on my call and work with my clients and to lead the group tonight and also to just get back into that creative space of how can I get the message out to more people and connect with and help other people step into their purpose and connect with and help other people step into their purpose. And so that is my story about my most recent experience with emotional abuse and how I really worked through it, and I hope this was helpful for you.

Speaker 1:

It's not always easy sharing all of your baggage on the internets and the podcast and with the public, and so thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and to share that story with you and also to you know all of the other people who share their stories, because I think in the shared experience of storytelling we heal as a community and as a planet, and right now we need a lot of healing and the more of us that share our stories and are vulnerable and, you know, put yourself on, put yourself on the webs, for, you know, for whoever to witness your story, it takes a lot of courage and it's not easy, and I also want to just reiterate I don't do any of it with spite, like I have nothing but compassion and understanding for my parents, because they did the best they could with the skills that they had and I know a lot of the time that's really hard for us to understand. But you know there are certain things that they go through that don't give them the same emotional depth that maybe we needed as a child. And you know, some of us came here to stop that cycle and I would say I'm probably in the group of people who are very dedicated to stopping that cycle of emotional abuse. And you know, when we look at this and purpose, I know part of my purpose and it's very clear to me is to help wake people up to when they're being abused, so that they know, so that they have the understanding and that they also have the tools to create healthy boundaries, know their values and their worth and to reach out and get help instead of sinking into shame and isolation.

Speaker 1:

Because once you get into shame and isolation you're not connected with your purpose. Because once you get into shame and isolation, you're not connected with your purpose. You're in survival mode, you are in self-preservation. I just need to survive and that becomes really challenging to have love, to have connection, to have joy, to have purpose, because in that space you don't feel worthy of any of it. And you are worthy of it, because each one of us came to this beautiful planet with a piece of the puzzle on how to fix what's happening in the world. And your piece is extremely important. And a lot of us think our piece doesn't matter. Our piece doesn't fit into the big puzzle, it doesn't matter if it's missing, doesn't fit into the big puzzle, it doesn't matter if it's missing. But if you've ever tried to put together a puzzle and some of the pieces are missing, you'll know how hard it is to get everything to fit together, to get the whole picture. So as long as you're being at the impact of emotional abuse and you don't feel worthy of living your purpose, you don't feel capable, you don't feel like you're allowed to be your true, authentic self, then your piece of the puzzle isn't getting put in to the bigger picture to help solve the problems that we're facing with the planet right now.

Speaker 1:

And I know my purpose it's to help people transform pain as fast as possible so that they can get back to loving. And that's the short version. But that's really what my purpose is when I boil it down, because pain stops people from loving, and loving at the depth that they're capable of, and pain stops people from their purpose. And so if I just want to leave you with some closing ideas here, how to overcome emotional abuse and find your purpose, recognize the abuse First. You have to acknowledge it, like for me, acknowledging that that was not okay to do to somebody was the first step, because I didn't know, I just made excuses for it. I made excuses for it my whole life until I was about 48. I'm 48 today.

Speaker 1:

Um, cause I didn't know. It's just all I knew, so I didn't know. Um. Get support, you know. Connect with a friend who is not part of the group of emotional abusers. Connect with a therapist, a counselor, a coach. Get into a group of other people who can help you process through some of those experiences and gain clarity, rebuild your self-worth, practice self-compassion and rebuild your sense of self-worth, meaning you are absolutely worthy of love and belonging and connection and to live your purpose.

Speaker 1:

Set boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries will help protect you from further harm. Even my boundaries were coming down over the last six weeks and now I feel the consequence of not holding my boundaries and take small steps and build momentum and confidence on your path. You're not just going to wake up one day and be a total emotional ninja and be like I am projected I thought I was, and this last experience was quite humbling to realize how many chinks in my system were still there. And then you know, reconnect with your purpose, reflect on your passions and interests and seek guidance to reconnect with your true purpose, who you really are, and practice patience.

Speaker 1:

Healing takes time and be patient with yourself on the journey. It's not going to, it didn't happen overnight. It's not going to heal overnight and it comes in stages. And when we set bigger goals and when we were more audacious with our goals and we really want to go for what we want to go for it, you know, the deeper layers of hurt might come up and, as my coach said today, she goes oh, you're right at the precipice of transformation, because the deepest wounds are coming up to be healed. And that rang so true for me because I felt the momentum. And as I felt the momentum, I felt equally the pain that hadn't yet been processed and I thought, with enough momentum I could just override it. But you know, then it just, it just came up the way that it needed to.

Speaker 1:

So thank you so much for listening in today and I really appreciate you, as a listener, if you could please leave a review on wherever you listen to podcasts. It helps small podcasters like me get recognized and it also helps get the word out to other people because it allows the podcast to be recognized by the search engines. Also, think about somebody you know that might need to hear this story today and you could share it with them. Also, I am, you know, opening up Soma Tribe, which is my monthly membership program, where we do deep, inner, transformational work around purpose, love, belonging and a myriad of other topics so that you can live a truly wholehearted life and a myriad of other topics so that you can live a truly wholehearted life.

Speaker 1:

I will put a link in my show notes to join and maybe just try like a month. If you're interested, no subscription required. You can test it out and see if it's a good fit for you. With the refund, totally, you'll get to have a refund, so it only opens up once a month for like five days. So we're in that cycle right now where it's open. So if you're seeing this before May 5th, you'll want to go ahead and just hit join and I'll just put like a. It's a 45 day trial in there and it's a really good price it's only like $47, which is really a great price for the kind of depth of transformational work that we do in the tribe.

Speaker 1:

We do meditations, we have group sessions, we practice intuition. This month we're learning kinesiology testing for intuition, which is a fabulous skill. We do all kinds of great stuff together. So if you're interested, go ahead and click on the link below. You can also visit me at mindfullovelove and join my newsletter and I will send out weekly tips and also you'll be notified when the most recent podcast comes out or blog post.

Speaker 1:

So thank you again and thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate you. I have gotten so many beautiful messages from friends and family who've been listening to my podcast, and it's usually right when I'm like I should chuck it in and not do it anymore, and somebody will who I haven't heard from in years will text me and go oh my gosh, I've been listening to your podcast and I'm so grateful that you're spreading this message. So thank you, and then I go okay, universe, I'll keep going. So thank you so much for taking the time to listen today. My name is Tabitha McDonald. I'm an intuitive transformation coach, and I would love to hear from you. Please drop a comment below and let me know what you liked about this episode so I can keep creating great content that helps serve everyone as they heal their past and step into their purpose. Thank you so much.

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