Soma Flow

A Journey from Digital Overload to Mindful Engagement with NJ Shelsby

• Tabitha MacDonald • Episode 28

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When life's relentless hustle pushed NJ Shelsby to the brink, an autoimmune diagnosis became her wake-up call to redesign her existence. Now, as a beacon for women battling between career success and personal well-being, she shares her transformative strategies in our latest episode. NJ's journey from a high-powered corporate grind to intentional living exemplifies the shift towards embracing moments with family and setting strategic boundaries to combat the overwhelm.

Feel as though the digital age has left you more isolated than ever? You're not alone. Our conversation with NJ Shelzby peels back the curtain on the paradox of modern connectivity and its effect on our daily lives. We probe the intricacies of technology, learning how to establish firm boundaries with our ever-present devices, and the importance of mindfulness in our digital interactions. NJ's personal narrative of reclaiming time from the digital world's clutches serves as an inspiring testament to the power of conscious choice.

For the multitasking moms out there, this episode is a goldmine of support and strategy. We tackle the juggling act of parenting in a world where screens often vie for attention, discussing the crucial balance of work demands and the need for present parenting. NJ Shelsby extends a guiding hand with practical focus-enhancing tactics and resources to navigate the dual roles of career and motherhood. Her own commitment to limiting social media is just one example of how to foster meaningful connections amidst the noise of digital distractions.

https://njshelsby.com/

Are you ready to feel supported on your healing journey?  The Soma Flow Library of Healing is now available.  With a powerful meditations, hypnosis sessions and Superconscious Recodes to restructure your unconscious patterns, this is a must have tool to your journey back to you.  

About Tabitha
Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Healer committed to helping people overcome their pain as fast as possible so that they can have the love, success, freedom and fulfillment they truly desire.

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Speaker 1:

I'm very excited. Today we have a very special guest. Her name is NJ Shelzby, who is in absolute productivity powerhouse. As a wife and mother who once worked in the intense corporate environment, nj has experienced firsthand the damaging effects of long hours and stress. After developing an autoimmune disease, she was forced to start working smarter, not harder. Now she helps women gain control, eliminate distractions and focus on what really matters, so they can achieve a new level of success without the stress and overwhelm. Thank you so much for joining me today, nj. I would love for you to just kind of introduce yourself a little bit more about what you do, who you are, anything that you would love to share.

Speaker 2:

Thanks for having me, pat. I'm so excited to be here. I work with mostly women who are just feeling frazzled and overwhelmed by all that they have going on. I help them with the mindset piece so that they can change the habits that need to change, and then we make the strategic changes in how they're working so that they feel just more on top of things, calm, like they can get it all done.

Speaker 2:

Nice, what a beautiful gift to give women, because I think sometimes we really do think that we have to be everything right, right, yeah, and I believe that we can do it all, but not all at the same time, and you have to cut out the stuff that doesn't matter so that you have time to do the things that do matter.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I love that and I think that's such a great segue into kind of what we were talking a little bit about, that big heartbreak that made you realize this was necessary for you, would you be? Willing to share that story with our audience Absolutely Growing up.

Speaker 2:

I was the youngest of four kids and my mother I think she was kind of tired of raising kids by that time and then my parents got divorced when I was around five or something like that, and so I felt neglected and I think that that put this burning desire in me to be a good mother. I can just remember from such a young age making lists about what I wanted to do as a mom and what was important to me and that kind of thing. And so when I eventually did become a mom, I was a stay at home mom for like five years or so and I just read all the books and tried to do everything that I could perfectly. And at some point I kind of woke up and realized that I was working 60 to 80 hours a week and totally stressed. I was coming home in the middle of the night to notes on the table for my son. Mom, how come I barely ever see you anymore?

Speaker 1:

How old was your son when he did? Because you were at home the first five years, right yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so you went back to work. Yeah, it's about 10, 11. When that happened In my mind it was like, oh, I just have to get through this rough period, things are going to slow down next week, that kind of thing. But it really doesn't the person who does the extra work, they always get the more assignments. When you have an identity of being a hard worker, you don't feel like you can relax and let things go, and so there was just so much stuff in there that was driving me to work long hours Until I did.

Speaker 2:

I kind of hit a wall when I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and to me that's my gift, because it was this forcing factor that made me change.

Speaker 2:

And even today, if I start drinking caffeine and pushing myself or anything like that, it'll kind of kick up and say, nope, you can't do that, and so I can't go back and get that time back with my son. That I mean all these years later I'm just still just thinking about that breaks my heart, and I want to help other women who wouldn't have a career. I mean, for women who just want to stay home, that's fine, that's totally their prerogative. There are some of us who also want that mental challenge, that we want to have a career or build a business or something like that, and I think that we can do that without the sacrifice. We don't have to neglect our kids to do that, but we have to work in a particular way to make that happen. We can't cut, like your diet. You can't just eat whatever you want and be slim and healthy. I mean it's just we're biologically wired to create.

Speaker 1:

You can't live on pizza and have a, but my 18-year-old does, but I mean even some people.

Speaker 2:

They have a great metabolism and they may be thin, but are they healthy inside? Right? We have to consciously think about food like, oh, I want to eat, I need to eat these vegetables. And we have to put some kind of thought into it and go against. What our instinct is is just to consume calories, and the same is true with our time. We can't just allow the instinct of checking email and social media and all that stuff to drive us. We have to put some conscious thought into it and set boundaries and rules for ourselves as to how we're going to work so that we can get more done.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. I love the fact that you brought up being on your phone, because I know when my kids were little I was kind of a really bad divorce and I was on my phone a lot because I was in a lot of pain that I didn't know how to process. And I looked up and my little kids were sitting there they were like eight and six and watching me on my phone and it just hit me I am teaching them to not be present and to be on their phone. I'm teaching them that. So I dumped all the games on my phone, whatever it was that was addictive, like Sims or Candy Crush or whatever it was at the time, and I thought I only get this one moment with them and it changed my life and I own two businesses. But that changed my life. So I'd love to hear how you made that transition, because I think that's where people struggle. It's like how do you identify it and then how do you make the transition if you've lived one way?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's great and kudos to you for recognizing that and making those changes. I think that For most of us, there's a couple of things that could be going on and we have to identify what's driving the behavior. Sometimes we are feeling overwhelmed by particular things in our life and we're checking out, we're using it as an escape. Sometimes it could be a fear of missing out, it could be fear of failure. It's just a fear of identifying for you what is driving that behavior and addressing that. Then it's pretty easy to modify the behavior.

Speaker 1:

I love that because I think that so many of us are ashamed of the behavior and that shame keeps us from going. It's not shameful, it's giving you something. What's it giving you? Is it a dopamine hit? You don't experience a big feeling that you're avoiding. What is it?

Speaker 2:

giving you. If you do a search online, you'll hear all the scientists are saying it's all about the dopamine. Let's not believe that. I think in the 10, 20 years they're going to be saying something else. Because if it's the dopamine first of all, a dopamine addiction you can easily fix just like any other caffeine or nicotine or whatever. But when I'm working with clients, as soon as we deal with the underlying issues in a 30 minute call, they're done. They can have their phone in the other room, they don't need to pick it up first thing in the morning. But if it was dopamine, by changing the underlying issues, you wouldn't break the addiction to the phone.

Speaker 2:

And I think part of that could be that it's different between men and women. I think that men's brains they're in boxes and I'm in a work box. I'm not thinking about my wife and my kids. I'm working Now I'm in Repair the Longmower box. That's all I'm thinking about. And if my wife comes to me and talks to me about something, it's hard for me to even have a conversation about it because I'm in this box. Women's brains everything is connected. When we're working we're thinking about the kids, the house, the laundry. It's just all connected like that, and I think that that's part of why, for women, it's not just about this dopamine addiction. It's that when we're doing one thing, we're thinking about whether or not we responded to so and so and are they going to be upset about it and are we missing out on this or that. So I just think that, with our brains being differently, that those underlying issues drives that picking up the phone more.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Why is that, do you think? Because if we have all these things running, why is it that drives a woman to pick the phone up instead of during the laundry or responding to the email? I mean what? Yeah?

Speaker 2:

I think that that's primitive programming, that survival that we need to belong, that if you get kicked out of the clan you're going to die right, Because that's when you couldn't survive alone.

Speaker 2:

And so we are nurturers, we are like we're going to smooth things over and we care more if somebody is upset with us or doing something that they get offended by or feel slighted or something like that. And I just think that that runs in the background in our minds and social media amplifies that, where so many times I hear with clients that not responding to emails right away that they're upset, that a client's going to be upset with them, and even if, logically, when I have a conversation with them, they're like, yeah, that's not a good client for me and I would really be, I would much prefer if they went away. But yet unconsciously they're being driven to behavior that doesn't serve them in order to pacify them and make them happy. And so I just think that that's part of how we're made, you know, part of being mothers, that we've got all this stuff that goes on in the background, that social media, the phones, just all of that connectedness, that digital connectedness just kind of amplifies. Well.

Speaker 1:

I find funny is I actually think social media is the least connecting experience in my day. I actually struggle to go on there because I feel more disconnected when I'm on social media. It didn't always, wasn't always like that. It used to be the opposite, where I had this story, that it was making me connected. And now, it's funny, since I started doing my inner work and now that I'm really present in a way I've never been before, people are like wow, it's so different being around you, like you're here, like really here, and I'm like, yeah, because I'm not distracted by like my phone or by, like you said, like the laundry or an email, like I learned to train myself that when I'm with someone, to be fully present with them, yeah, that is awesome, and I think one of the things about me that I think is a little bit different than other people is that I don't do the same behavior all the time.

Speaker 2:

I make massive changes, so that there's the dichotomy, and by through the dichotomy I can learn a lot. And so there are times that I don't go on my phone for 48 hours and there are times that something is going on, that I'm interacting with somebody back and forth, that I'm having to look at it a lot, and there is no doubt about it. Those days that I am on my phone a lot and looking at it, I feel so much more stressed and just anxious and I can't get. I don't get as much done. I mean, there's just a huge difference where, when I don't look at it and it's a way, and it's just at the end of the day I might check and then, you know, in exchange with somebody or respond to a message or something, it's like, my brain has the ability to focus and get things done 100 percent because you're not all at distraction mode on your phone, because I know I'll pull my phone up to look at an email.

Speaker 1:

And 20 minutes later I'm on TikTok or something and I'm like, how did?

Speaker 2:

that happen, that's not what I meant to do.

Speaker 1:

The phone is designed to pull you in, I mean it's about it.

Speaker 2:

They are hiring programmers who have studied neuroscience with the sole purpose of getting you into that app, because the more your eyes are in their app, the more money that they make.

Speaker 1:

Right, I know.

Speaker 2:

So they are fancy.

Speaker 1:

That's the best way to get really good boundaries with my phone.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's like back in the day when the cigarette companies purposefully put in nicotine and make it addictive. I mean, that's the same kind of a thing. It's like here's this thing that's bad for us and they're doing everything they can. To me it feels like they're stealing our lives. I love electronics, I love technology, I'm a technology person, but there's a difference between me having it as a tool that I use when I'm looking to do something and then purposefully stealing my life because I want to make more money.

Speaker 1:

Right, then that comes to us taking our power back and not letting people take things that are valuable to us. Right, I would like someone take my child. I'm certainly not going to let them take my time or my life without my permission anymore.

Speaker 2:

But, steve, the thing is, if they take your child, you notice that there's no way that they could take your child and you would be just like, oh, I don't even notice anything, right? But with the phones things have changed so slowly over time that each year a new app comes out that people don't realize that they are losing four to five hours a day in front of a screen.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, I remember when my daughter's friends would come over. We would have these periods of going okay phones away. When we started talking about screen time because I love talking to teenagers and helping them see where they're spending their time they'd be like I didn't know. I was on my phone 13 hours a day and I was like that's a lot of time that you just gave to this little tiny box.

Speaker 2:

Right. There's all the time that people will say, oh, I don't have time to do X, Y or Z, but they don't realize that they are literally losing four or more hours a day on their phone. That doesn't mean you have to totally give up. I love my phone. I would never get rid of it. If I need information, it's connected to the Internet. I can get whatever information. I can utilize it as a tool to set alarms for me and to easily put information in my calendar or whatever. But the difference is I want my phone to work for me, I don't want it to control me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, totally, I love that. Let me just ask, because I just want to loop back around to this experience that you had with your son how is this interrelated to your journey of really overcoming that heartbreak, of getting that letter and then saying, wow, I need to make a shift in where my energy and attention is going? Can we loop that back around into what are the distractions? Maybe that we're creating more separation between the two of you, and then how you changed your focus and direction.

Speaker 2:

Yeah Well, I quit my job and started my own business so that I could work at home and be with him more. Even having that awakening, it wasn't easy because I would try to make the changes and working for yourself. All of a sudden I was working long hours and it was this battle for years, of changing the habits, changing so that I could get more things done, and letting go of that. There was this, this thing inside of me around being a hard worker, this identity piece that had started when I was like four or five years old, my older sister was watching us and we had to do chores after school. I remember first of all she shamed me because I wanted to play at just under five years old instead of doing chores. Then I swept the hallway and then when my mother came home, she took the credit for it. When I was like, wait a minute, I did that, she was like, oh, you did such a horrible job. I had to redo it. That which I'm sure in her mind she didn't think anything of it.

Speaker 2:

I don't know if she was any 16 or 15 or something like that, but in me my brain made some decisions about I had to work hard in order to be lovable. I had all of these little stories like that that were driving my behavior here. I wanted to not work as many hours so that I could be present with my son, but it was hitting up against this primal programming. In order to be loved, I had to be a hard worker. I had to really unwind a lot of that in order to be able to change that habit so that I could be present with my son.

Speaker 1:

I love that you brought that up because that's what I teach, because when I'm working with people I'm like. It's always our definitions of love and belonging that drive our behavior.

Speaker 2:

Yes, If you understand.

Speaker 1:

You're any a gram type. You know your definition of love and belonging because it's written in a book. I love it because I think that if that belief structure is attached to your definition of love, it's going to be a very hard thing to shift if you don't understand definitions of love and loveability Right.

Speaker 2:

I mean, it was just a sheer luck and determination that I was able to get through that, because I believe so strongly in the role of mothers in society and just in life that we're not here just to birth kids, but it is our nurturing and just all that we bring to the relationship that I just believe that it's so important that we don't corrupt that.

Speaker 2:

You know, yeah, we can have careers, we can work, we can do all that, but the way that this chaotic world that we live in can take over and harm that relationship and unknowingly, like we just we get kind of hypnotized into behaviors that lead us to, I mean, you see time, you see people on their phone and their kids are talking and I'm like yeah, yeah, and they're just, like you know, ignoring them and kind of like, yeah, whatever, and it's conscious decision that they make. You know they would never consciously say OK, wait a minute, kid phone, I'm going to keep my phone, you know. And so that's why I feel so strongly that something's being stolen from them and I want to help them to reclaim that so that they can consciously make those decisions of what they're doing with their time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean because I do run two businesses and sometimes when I'm with my daughter or my son, I'll be like I love you. I have to get back to this client. Give me like two minutes, I'm going to finish the text and then I'm putting the phone down, you know, and then I'm all yours, and so I just have that conversation with them so they don't have their own attachment ruined about being neglected for a phone right.

Speaker 2:

But, notice what you said. Right, you said you know it was like an awareness and acknowledgement. Here's where I am, here's what I need to do. Give me two minutes, I'm going to finish this and I'm going to be back. That is totally different from somebody saying in a minute, in a minute, and then an hour goes by and they're teaching their kids oh, I can't take what my mom says to heart. Like I can't believe what she says. I can't trust her. You know, I'm not important to her. Like all of these stories their brains make up based on that interaction, and all that's really happening is their subconscious mind has been hijacked and stolen so that they're, you know, stuck in this digital loop, but meanwhile, this kid over here is making up all of these stories about what it means. That is very harmful to them.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I mean I also don't. I don't like shaming parents too, because I think I just want to make that like yeah, as we're talking about this, I'm just hearing all of the moms in my head where I'm like oh, this isn't like, it's just a loop. We get stuck in in most of the times that we don't even know, or we have a million things going on and it's a hard job being a mom, like especially if you were good yeah, and I guess that's the whole point.

Speaker 2:

It's not their fault, right? Like it would kind of be like if we're dieting and there's a plate of brownies on the table all day long, like how can you all day long, every day, have a plate of brownies on the table and not eat them? And so there's this lack of a way it's socially acceptable to just have your family and it's cool. Yeah, and it's hitting like by. Like biology, right, like biology is always going to win. Hold your breath until you pass out.

Speaker 2:

You can't, right, biology is going to take over and make you breathe, and these programmers at these are hijacking you. They're going at at a deep level in your brain. But unless we wake each other up and consciously say, oh, I'm going to put these guardrails up so that I'm not, you know, the equivalent of trying to work with a plate of brownies on my desk all day long, you know, but while I'm awake, I'm going to make some rules for myself in order to put this away and make it so that it's less able to get access into my primitive brain and hijacked my awareness and attention.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and yeah, and they've put so many fail safes on our phones now, where we can limit time on apps and like we can set reminders and things like that. So I think most of the time they're there where yeah, yeah, right awareness.

Speaker 2:

But it's so easy to just get caught up in that you know when you get your phone they're not on there, they're all turned off. And it's so easy to just unconsciously get caught up into this cycle that we're just not even aware that they're there.

Speaker 1:

Oh, yeah, I mean it. There's so many things that we're unaware of and really, what I think is, when we look at the results in our life, it will reflect to us the things that we're not aware of. So, like you know, if our kids are, are disconnected and we're really putting the work in to stay connected, then then then we can look at it and go oh, maybe I'm not putting the right work in to be connected with my kids, or or the the work that my child needs me to do to stay connected with them.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but it's interesting. I don't think that there is a biology that makes us like, oh, you know, I need to stay connected to my child, right, because that doesn't make them survive. You know, it's like we. You know there's all of this stuff that happens unconsciously around you know, oh, a baby cries your awareness and that kind of a thing that keeps them alive, but it's like we have to take that step to pull away from you know, I mean, it's almost like I feel like we become zombies, right, that we're just, you know, we get stuck in this mode and we have to kind of wake up and like, okay, what is important to me in my life? What do I care about? What do I want my life to be like in the next year, in the next five years? And we have to decide.

Speaker 2:

Well, you know, I care about my relationship with my kids and so I'm going to, you know, read to them at night, even though normally, you know, things are hectic around here and I just send them off the bed. Or, you know, I'm going to take advantage of the time that I'm driving them to school and I'm going to connect with them and have that time, but it's, you know, it's so easy to get caught up in life and we just have to kind of force ourselves out of that habit and decide for us. You know it's all. It's different for all of us. You know what it is that we want to do differently yeah, I'm, yeah, that's I mean.

Speaker 1:

I work with choice points with my coaching clients and I help them understand their values so they can create choices that matter for them, and that, I think is is really how we overcome living on autopilot. Is we create choices for ourselves and go oh, actually, this is how I'm deciding. I want to live my life not by someone else's rulebook, but in alignment with my own value system.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes and I think that it can be hard to recognize the choice points in day-to-day working because it's so automatic. That's where a lot of the work that I do is about putting up guardrails so that the stuff that sealed your attention is just not automatically there. Just simple things like all of the apps on your phone, the social media, the messaging apps, putting them in a folder and moving them to the back screen so that they're just not right there. If you go to get the calculator, if you want to pull up the calculator on your phone to calculate a tip, you're not seeing that there's a message on Facebook or something like that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I had to return all my notifications off and I've told people. Now I'll write you back when I sit down and I have the time to do it. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just very present with what I'm doing now.

Speaker 2:

Oh, my God, that's great. I turn off the badges. You know how they have a little number of the unread messages or whatever. I turn those off because I find that if I see a number there, the curiosity of you know like, oh, who messaged me? What is it? I?

Speaker 1:

don't even know. You can turn that off. I have like 181 unread messages on my phone. I'm like I should probably go through all of those, but I love that you can turn that off. That's nice to know.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Well, that's great and probably once you're at 181, it doesn't matter if it's 183. You're not like, oh, what are those two extra? But when you don't, and there's one or two or three, it can be very seductive and pull you in and almost feel like you're powerless to like go in and see what it is. And that's why I remove them.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think that it is a way of taking our power back, because we have given our phones so much power and authority over what we're doing. And I think I went through the experience about really three years ago where I decided to be present in my life and I was like, if somebody really needs to get a hold of me, they'll get a hold of me, and if somebody needs to book an appointment, they'll do it online, because I have online scheduling and I'll sit down when I have the time and presence to be present with that thing, instead of trying to do 100 things at once. And that was not easy because I was single mom, so I had multitasking down to an art, but it was really robbing me of my life and I just let things rob me of my life anymore.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, and like when your phone, if you put it on, do not disturb. You can make it so that favorites break through and, like you know, my husband and my son are my favorites. If they call me, I want to know. You know, I mean, they don't call me very often. So there are ways that you can put boundaries in place for yourself and not have to worry about an emergency happening and you missing out.

Speaker 1:

Oh, absolutely. So I have one final question for you. I really enjoyed this. What is if you were on a deserted island? What would be a book that you would bring with you? Just one, wow.

Speaker 2:

That is so hard. I've always been a reader, so this is very hard, so hard to answer. But I mean I would probably go back and forth between something that would be personal development-wise, that I, you know, every time you read it something different. But there's a book, you know, a classic to kill a mockingbird that I've probably read more than any other book, that and I feel like every time I read it it's like there's more things about society and people that you learn and it's just so well-written and stuff. So I would probably choose that, because for a personal development book it would be too hard to choose from all of the ones out there.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I love that. That's so great. Well, I just thank you so much for taking the time to be here today and for sharing your knowledge and your insights with my audience. And do you have anything like closing statements or like closing words of inspiration for the busy mom out there?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I just absolutely love our conversation and I believe in all these moms and I believe that they can have a career and be great moms and if anybody is, you know, needing help, I would be happy to help them to improve their focus so that they can get more done in less time, and they can go to my website and download my Fried Steps to a Better Focus, and my website is njshellsbycom Great.

Speaker 1:

I'll put that in the show notes. Do you have social media links or anything where people can find you, or is it the website?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, the website is a good place, but they can also just search my name on social media and I do basically just Facebook, since I find Instagram too addictive and TikTok too addictive, so I have to stay up to those.

Speaker 1:

Hi. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me today. Really enjoyed our conversation and I'll put all of your stuff in the show notes so that people can find you. And just again, thank you so much for taking the time to be on the Mindful Love podcast today.

Speaker 2:

Well, thank you for having me, Tabitha. It was such a pleasure talking with you.

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Tabitha MacDonald

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